“I don’t wanna work anymore,” the comedian Ali Wong exclaimed in front of her audience on her recent Netflix stand-up show — she was heavily pregnant at the time. “Well, I don’t wanna lean in, OK? I wanna lie down,” she added, referring to Lean In, the iconic career advice book for women. The crowd roared with laughter.

Wong’s wishes might be more than a famous person’s longing for a simpler life. A growing body of research, particularly in advanced economies, signals a phenomenon that the Economist dubbed “the return of the stay-at-home mother.” A 2017 International Labour Organisation (ILO) survey found about three in 10 women worldwide would prefer to work at paid jobs, and a similar percentage would rather stay home, while the final third would like to work flexibly or part time.

When women’s preferences on labor participation can be so diverse, catering to everyone’s needs and desires is tricky. Many experts agree that introducing greater flexibility in the workplace might relieve the burden on all women. However, a long-term and sustainable change would require an overhaul not only of workplace policies, but also of areas like transportation networks and urban design.

The Dilemma of a “Choice”

According to Dr. Sally Wilson, at the Institute for Employment Studies, an independent research center, the key determinant for women’s well-being and life satisfaction is how much they actively chose their lifestyle. She emphasizes that a “choice” might not always be an organic and straightforward process.

“It all depends whether the decision to work at home is a real choice or not,” Wilson said. “What are the household finances like? Was the decision of opting out of the labor market a joint one? Did it come from an empowered place?”

Wilson believes that, given the option, many women, especially those with caregiving duties, would prefer a flexible working schedule rather than the binary choice of participating in the job market or not. “The gig economy can get exploitative, but it works very well for some people,” she said.

However, the job market is already notoriously harsher on women. Gender pay gaps, age and maternity discrimination, cases of sexual harassment, and the so-called glass ceiling are prominent workplace realities for women even in the world’s wealthiest countries.

But a study by Pew Research Centre found that only five percent of US stay-at-home mothers belonged to an “affluent” category, with a household income of $75,000 or more. The overwhelming majority of these affluent unpaid domestic laborers are white (69 percent) or Asian (19 percent).

“For years data has shown that year on year, more mothers are moving into [or] remaining in paid employment when they have children,” said Tracey Jensen, an author and sociologist at the University of Lancaster in the UK. “More recently, the data seems to show a slight reversal. I would be very cautious about explaining any of this as driven simply by women’s ‘choices’.”

Jensen pointed to the accelerating cost of childcare, which rose up to seven times faster than wages in the UK since 2008, and reached an all-time high in the US, costing more than college tuition in some cases.

Guilt: A Modern Woman’s Constant Companion

Cara Cosentino from New York, a stay-at-home mother, was laid off from her job in media two years ago, after giving birth to her son. “Being a working mum was really difficult for me,” Cosentino says: Work conditions can be harsh for new parents, and she felt guilt for not seeing her son enough.

After losing her job, Cosentino fruitlessly kept applying for other positions, but eventually gave up the job search. She decided to enjoy her time with her son despite the financial challenges.

Yet, whether they are unpaid domestic laborers or in employment, there’s one feeling that many women like Cosentino cannot shake off: a debilitating guilt over their choices. Cosentino once felt guilty for working long hours, and she now feels guilty for not doing so: “I often feel guilty that I’m not an equally financially contributing partner to the household.”

“Women are supposed to feel guilty about absolutely everything,” wrote Jamie Kenney, another stay-at-home mother, on a parenting website. “You can never, ever, ever win.” And this can have serious health implications. Research shows that the “weight” of guilt can be felt physically. The chronic stress caused by guilt has been linked to long-term health issues from diabetes to heart problems.

Jensen said that alleviating the burden on women like Cosentino would require policy reforms like nurseries and crèches in every workplace, the right to stay at home with a child until they start compulsory education for anyone who wishes to make that choice, or taking concrete steps toward ending maternity discrimination.

Read More:

• The Costs of Caring: Balancing the Burden of Caregiving for Women and Men
• The Burden of Care: The Impact of Progressive Policies
• This Indian Women’s Union Invented a Flexible Childcare Model